How to Deal With Engagement Call Off in The Least Torturous Way Possible
By Caitlin E.
Breaking up is always difficult, regardless of the circumstances, but calling off an engagement is a whole new level of heart crushing. To enter such a “deal” with someone, in the first place, it takes being committed to someone to the point of wanting to grow old together. What makes it even more heart wrenching is that this relationship usually includes friends, family, finances, and logging.
Calling off an engagement that could lead to a bad marriage is kinder than building a bad marriage. It is possible, but how to go through such a turmoil in the least torturous way possible?
Saying the words
‘We need to talk’ is probably the most horrifying sentence to say and to hear, but sometimes it has to be said. Beating around the bush is the worst thing you can do. Instead, face the problem head-on. Say what it is that you want and why you want it. Include your fiancé[e] in the conversation. Talk with respect and kindness. Again, if you are not the one saying the words, have understanding for your partner’s reasons and try to bear it calmly.
Dealing with the emotional aftermath
The breakup is a serious trauma and all persons involved need to have time to grieve and heal. It is best to give each other space and resist the temptation to enter the endless “why” discussions and to be a part of each other’s lives, no matter the cost. This doesn’t mean that, later on, you won’t be able to have normal conversations or even be friends, but, for now, you need time to mend your wounds.
Solving the financial and living situation
If you and your former partner have lived together and shared expenses, you probably have more ties beyond the emotional ones. If you are still living together, until one of you finds a new place, make agreements about respectful cohabitation, and search for a new place as soon as possible. Paying the rent and bills should be divided equally, even if you are not talking to each other, this is something you need to resolve.
Whose is the engagement ring?
Engagement rings are usually considered gifts contingent on a wedding ceremony taking place. This means that the bride should return the ring. Still, if the ring was offered as a gift for a special occasion (e.g., birthday), it is hers to keep.
State laws vary when it comes to the question who gets the ring. Some states consider the ring a gift, while others have special terms in regards who breaks the engagement.
If there is a disagreement over the ring you can seek legal counsel, but it is always better to talk things through.
Announcing the breakup
People you work with, your family, and friends will want to know the engagement is called off. Since you don’t want to be the topic of gossip and conversation, it is best to tell them yourself. There is no easy way to do this, but it is the least painful for you and your former fiancé[e] divide the list of guests. To avoid going through this too many times, make announcements to groups of friends and family. Do not play the “blame game”, say it is over in the most respectful way and that it is not open for discussion.
Making formal cancelations
The clergy member or wedding officiate needs to know the wedding is canceled so he or she can take the date off the busy schedule. Keep in mind that some clergy members can recommend at least one counseling session. You will also need to contact all the vendors you have hired to provide services during the ceremony or the reception. You probably won’t get your deposit back and, in some cases, you will be liable for part of the payment.
Regardless of the reason of calling off the engagement, both of you should always keep in mind, and constantly repeat to yourselves if necessary, that the person you are leaving behind is the same person you once loved so much that you wanted to make an unbreakable vow to love and to hold for the rest of your lives.
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