Tag Archives: sex is important in marriage

Grey Area of Consensual Sex: You Are Not 50 Shades of Christian Grey

Grey Area of Consensual Sex: You Are Not 50 Shades of Christian Grey

By: Tia Cristy

http://Photo by Walid Riachy from Pexel

The first time I saw 50 Shades of Grey was at a private promotional showing with about fifty of my co-workers, including my boss and his wife… Awkward.

Nevertheless, no matter how uncomfortable the situation was, in which I was watching the box-office porn, the fact was the title was becoming a household name worldwide. People of all ages were getting the inside scoop on non-disclosed kink. Even my dad, who never saw the movie, nor read the books, could make references to the storyline. Talk about really awkward—Side note: I’m now a firm believer that some things should never be discussed between a father and a daughter.

Anyhow, after the movie hit nationwide, the increase of emergency room visits due to sexually related injuries jumped up to a huge 20%. As a Lifestyle Blogger and talk show guest that preaches on sexual health, I felt it was imperative to work with the right experts to help couples learn proper etiquette in spicing up their love life. I started to publish posts and infographics on things like, Introduction to Bondage. I thought if curious men and women had the right information, they could safely venture into uncharted territories without ending up in the ER. Right?

Let’s skip ahead…

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50 Shades Trilogy now available OnDemand… I sat down with a gynecologist specialist, who has been my long-time confidential source for Sexual Health. We discussed some incredibly disturbing stats. The increasing cases of women coming into her office with serious sexual trauma that was encountered during consensual sex is staggering. ‘Smash, pound, break or tear up’ have all been used as synonyms for sex, but these words should never be taken literal. Women have resulted in being beaten, strangled, scratched, bitten, torn, etc. all with the intent of having enjoyable, agreed-upon sex.

Whether it was called making love, a booty-call or simply a good-time, at some point the objective of pleasurable sex went terribly wrong amidst intercourse. External and internal injuries were obtained. Short-term and long-term damages were done physically as well as emotionally. And sadly, the culprit of it all stems from some undereducated partner acting out some over ambitious fantasy and chalking it up to having a good ‘fuck’. Let me break it to you, there’s nothing good about this kind of intimacy. The reason I can openly say ‘under-educated’ is simple, and this might come as a shock to some, but the fact is life is not a porno.

Here’s a quick history lesson…

Pornography was originally created, many moons ago, to be an educational tool for husbands and wives to have better sex lives, but quickly shifted into the world of entertainment. Professional studio-created porn was, and still is, acting. A tap can appear like a slap and what looks like a bite is actually a brush of the teeth, all in hopes to heighten the visual allure. And yes, many individuals find the thought of shedding the stink of their own dull, boring, or routine sex lives very appealing. There is a multi-billion-dollar industry that is banking on the fact that you and your partner are ready to take it up a notch in the bedroom.

There are plenty of toys, gadgets, videos and clothing that can help bolster a couple going through a dry spell. Judge-free, if that is for you and your mate. My only advice, understand how it works. Just because you see a pilot fly a plane, doesn’t mean you instantly know how to do it. Be sure to do your research on safety, including proper hygiene. And please, only proceed when you know that you and your partner are both on the same page.

Crossing the line…

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There is a very thin line detecting pleasure between pain when it comes to the receptors in the brain. Even though, there is an incredible difference from the mind wanting to do that again, or saying, WARNING: Never Again!

Look, if you are making someone bleed or say ‘ouch’ during one of the most intimate and vulnerable moments of your lives, you are doing something really wrong!

Ladies, I need you to hear this loud and clear: if you are allowing your partner to cause more pain than pleasure or they are provoking any kind of damage to your cervix, all in the name of a ‘good-time’, you, too, are doing it wrong!

Over this past week, several newly-released comedies have referred to rough sex and strangulation as the new normal. This action should not be perceived as the standard in exploring one another. I’m not criticizing lovers that prefer some titillating practices. I’m only suggesting you and your partner cultivate a sexual experience you can both enjoy. Sex is about trust, and like as with anything else in life, trust builds over time.

 There’s a sad truth in which society wants to take love out of the bedroom and replace it with carnal desires. Not everyone agrees with this trend. However, if you do agree – fantastic! If that’s your kind of thing. But don’t remove compassion and call it passion. I think being adventurous in between the sheets is absolutely healthy, especially when you and your partner have taken all the proper precautions. Including, and I can’t stress this enough, you must both be ready and willing!

Rule of thumb: if you wouldn’t want it done to you, then you probably shouldn’t be doing it to your partner unless they request it, and vice versa.

All that being said…

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Sexual injuries caused by a consensual sex partner are climbing at an appalling and unpredictable rate. In these such cases, women are on the verge of appearing assaulted. There is no demographical or stereotypical pattern. These are upstanding, strong, educated women. These inflicted injuries have affected a range of individuals who have just met their partner to lovers, who have been ‘experimenting’ within a committed, long-term relationship. The age ranges fluctuate, too. But the one thing that all these cases have in common is the injured party, who is left feeling confused, ashamed and violated. This kind of practice bares some questions.

Is this sexual assault? No. Okay, well then is this consensual? Not exactly. Don’t get hysterical by my choice of words. There is a HUGE difference between someone being forced to do something beyond their will and someone that voluntarily took part in an intimate experience. None-the-less, most of these injured women experienced many moments of pleasure coupled with veins of sheer terror. Hence why, the aftermath takes such a physical and emotional toll. This area is the only shade of this Grey we should be focusing on and fix it before it ruins lives and reputations. No one is saying the individuals in these cases are ready to march in the #metoo movement. But no one, and I mean no one, should be physically hurt or humiliated while partaking in close human contact.

As women stand up for one another, on so many other important ‘body’ matters nowadays, it is also time to stand up for intimacy. For women, …and men. And above all, for the younger generations and the ‘human’ in all of us. Let’s not be fooled here. Passing off pinned up sexual aggression or re-enacting what you might have seen on the flat screen as the proper way to engage in a sexual experience, while your partner isn’t enjoying themselves, is simply yucky!

If you are the dominate…

Please speak openly with your partner on your desires. Respect their boundaries. Have a safe word. And most of all, remember, no means no. Real life isn’t a movie and you are not Christian Grey, okay.

If you are the submissive…

Boldly voice your concerns. Bad choices can bring on regret, but regret doesn’t equal victim. So, don’t be shy to speak up if you aren’t enjoying yourself. If something hurts, tell your partner. And if things are getting out of control, try to smartly defuse the situation without causing confrontation, and do your best to get out of there. Don’t be a victim.

There’s more…

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According to my source, another thing that should be brought to light is the alarming misuse of medications among the younger generations. Cocktails mixed with erection-stimulating meds and/or steroid use in order to lengthen the sexual experience is causing destressing, unwarranted aggression within the bedroom. Using medications without doctor’s supervision can cause serious mental issues like ‘roid-rage’ and/or physical, irrevocable damages to yourself and your partner. There’s a strong possibility these concoctions are impairing the user judgment and sensation, causing them to thrust or pounce with more aggression. And because they’re numb, they are unaware of their vigor and the potential pain they are inflicting. This combination only has the opportunity of ending in devastating damage to both parties. Seriously, it’s not worth the risk. It’s safer, smarter, and honestly, more enjoyable to live out your fantasies one round at a time, no matter how quick it is.

Genuine love and desire for your partner does, truthfully, enhance the fantasy world. However, we all know hook-ups happen. Safety is the first thing to practice in every sexual situation, starting with protection. Condoms and dental dams really do reduce the chances of spreading nasty things. So, whether you’re a man or a woman, if some sly one tells you, ‘It doesn’t feel as good with protection’. Your only response should be, ‘But it feels so much better than no sex, right?’.

Let’s clear up any misunderstandings…

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This isn’t men vs. women’s primal desires. This is about achieving desires and not disasters. This isn’t a sexuality issue. This is a sex issue. This isn’t a generational problem. This is a lack-of-information problem. Sex shouldn’t leave someone physically damaged.

Disregard all you think you know about the red-room of pain, and have an honest and colorful conversation about your sexual wants and needs. Don’t let any form of entertainment give you a false assessment of what real intercourse should be. We need to address this issue before things get out completely out of hand. With so many sexual accusations flying around out there and people making laws about what people can and can’t do with their bodies, this is one of those situations that can cause a lot of future complications if not discussed and handled maturely between partners.

At the risk of sounding 100 years-old, you need to understand your body is the most precious thing that you can share with another human being. According to recent surveys, monogamy is making a strong comeback in both heterosexual and LGBT circles. Fantasies are finding ways to becoming healthy realties. And protected sex is considered cool. So, let’s take all the trauma and the 50 Shades of ‘scary’ out of intimacy. Sex should be a beautiful thing. And exploration should feel good. Whether you like it or not, humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason. And unlike the necessity it is within the animal kingdom, humans can choose to have sex for pleasure, love and closeness. So, do the rest of the mobile upright a favor, and stop taking yourself and others for granted.

Tia, and TipsfromTia.com  is trying to keep you looking good and
feeling good, from the inside out. If you’ve got a problem or a tip email me! Be sure to Like and share on Facebook or Follow on Twitter or Instagram.

Author’s Bio: Tia Cristy is a radio personality/influencer and the owner of TipsfromTia.com where she provides tips on beauty, lifestyle and sexual health. You can find her, Like and Share on Facebook or Follow on Twitter or Instagram @TipsfromTia

15 Secrets to Make a Marriage Work

15 Secrets to Make a Marriage Work

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Challenges are normal in marriages. As they say, love is not enough to make a marriage successful. Both partners have to do their best to make sure that the marriage will work. Otherwise, the entire family suffers. These are fifteen secrets that real-life couples attest to being pivotal to the success of their marriages:

  1. Listen to your partner

Listening to each other may seem easy but you would be surprised how many couples struggle with this. Both partners should realize that hearing and listening are two vastly different things. To be a good listener, you should open your mind and heart to what your partner is saying. This way, you can understand their perspective.

  1. Accept your partner

One of the most common reasons for breakups between married couples is lack of acceptance. Both men and women have this tendency to try to change their partners to what they think they should be. If they have to, however, they have to make that journey on their own. Focus on the positive traits and features of your partner so you will be less stressed.

  1. Be responsible

Both partners must be responsible as individuals and as a team. When you set out to do something as a couple, you must remember to take responsibility whether it will be successful or not. You also have to accept that part of it may be on you.

Another aspect of marriage that being responsible would be helpful in is during arguments. If someone said something that was uncalled for, the other party must take responsibility by apologizing.

Be equally responsible in parenting as well. Both should try and spend as much time with the kids as possible. With some free time, both can help the kids do their homework. In case you both are too busy to help with homework of your kids, at least have them at least have them home tuition for the subjects they find difficult.

  1. Go on date nights

Date nights are essential to a marriage as they keep the fire burning. You do not have to go to a fancy restaurant or a luxury hotel. There are many things you can do depending on what you have in mind. Even just one night on a camping beach is already a romantic gesture. Make sure that your phones are off so that you can concentrate on each other.

  1. Be intimate

Therapists always say that sex is important if you are to keep your marriage healthy. According to some researchers and therapists, sex should be done on a regular basis. Sex should also be interesting so it would be best to sit down and talk about experimenting. Keep it exciting but safe in the bedroom.

  1. Spot “soft” emotions

The concept of a “soft” emotion may be foreign to you but it is incredibly helpful in ensuring that partners empathize with each other. For example, when you feel anger, you are most likely masking another emotion. Usually, these emotions are your vulnerabilities. You could be jealous, insecure or disappointed. Partners should be able to look for the soft emotion that may be just bubbling beneath the surface.

  1. Stop being controlling

Being controlling is never good in a marriage. Control may be how a partner wants to keep the other to fit in to what they expect of them. When one partner starts becoming controlling, the other may start resenting that. This is why talking with each other about such issues is a good thing. If settling between each other is no longer working, it is best to go to a marriage counselor.

  1. Avoid ever using the D-word

No matter what stage you are in your marriage, you should never use the D-word. Couples have been known to use divorce as a threat to each other. This can be used as a control mechanism that may be bound to fail as most of those who do it end up filing divorce papers. Not only is it immature, it also does not solve the problem the couple is facing.

  1. Be realistic about your expectations

The moment you get married, you should start letting go of the fantasy. Fairy tale endings do not happen in real life marriages. You need to be realistic about what you expect of your partner and your relationship. Accept that sometimes, being “okay” is more than enough. Otherwise, you will just end up being disappointed. This could lead to resentment, which you do not want in a marriage.

  1. Never take each other for granted

Never be complacent in a marriage. Always strive to be the best partner you can be. This way, your partner will see that you value them. They can return the favor too. Sure, it may be human nature to be comfortable with what is familiar to you but when you are in a committed relationship, try to resist any urge to be complacent.

  1. Agree to disagree

You may be married now but you are still individuals. You are never going to agree on every single thing. These disagreements could be on something as small as your choice in tea or something big like your political affiliation. Part of why a lot of marriages succeed is when both partners have the ability to meet halfway and compromise. No one has to be right every time.

  1. Be independent

One of the keys to a happy marriage is maintaining your independence. The husband and the wife must be able to enjoy their own personal space and hobbies. Part of this is sometimes getting the time to be apart. This way, you can ensure that you are happy, which could lead to a happy marriage. After all, a marriage works only when both partners have a sense of fulfillment in their lives.

  1. Be romantic

Never take romantic acts for granted. This can help keep the fire alive in the marriage. Send them flowers. Place a love note. Give them a ring. All ideas are valid just as long as the other partner ends up happy.

  1. Tell each other compliments

Compliments make a person feel good. Acknowledge the positive traits that your partner may have.

  1. Learn to communicate

To say that communication is important in a marriage is an understatement. The couple must be able to talk to each other about their feelings and issues freely. Partners should also look out for non-verbal cues. Read about love languages, which is how a person communicates their love. This could be in the form of acts of service or words of affirmation.

Tia, and TipsfromTia.com  is trying to keep you looking good and
feeling good, from the inside out. If you’ve got a problem or a tip email me! Be sure to Like and share on Facebook or Follow on Twitter or Instagram.