Grey Area of Consensual Sex: You Are Not 50 Shades of Christian Grey
By: Tia Cristy
The first time I saw 50 Shades of Grey was at a private promotional showing with about fifty of my co-workers, including my boss and his wife… Awkward.
Nevertheless, no matter how uncomfortable the situation was, in which I was watching the box-office porn, the fact was the title was becoming a household name worldwide. People of all ages were getting the inside scoop on non-disclosed kink. Even my dad, who never saw the movie, nor read the books, could make references to the storyline. Talk about really awkward—Side note: I’m now a firm believer that some things should never be discussed between a father and a daughter.
Anyhow, after the movie hit nationwide, the increase of emergency room visits due to sexually related injuries jumped up to a huge 20%. As a Lifestyle Blogger and talk show guest that preaches on sexual health, I felt it was imperative to work with the right experts to help couples learn proper etiquette in spicing up their love life. I started to publish posts and infographics on things like, Introduction to Bondage. I thought if curious men and women had the right information, they could safely venture into uncharted territories without ending up in the ER. Right?
Let’s skip ahead…
50 Shades Trilogy now available OnDemand… I sat down with a gynecologist specialist, who has been my long-time confidential source for Sexual Health. We discussed some incredibly disturbing stats. The increasing cases of women coming into her office with serious sexual trauma that was encountered during consensual sex is staggering. ‘Smash, pound, break or tear up’ have all been used as synonyms for sex, but these words should never be taken literal. Women have resulted in being beaten, strangled, scratched, bitten, torn, etc. all with the intent of having enjoyable, agreed-upon sex.
Whether it was called making love, a booty-call or simply a good-time, at some point the objective of pleasurable sex went terribly wrong amidst intercourse. External and internal injuries were obtained. Short-term and long-term damages were done physically as well as emotionally. And sadly, the culprit of it all stems from some undereducated partner acting out some over ambitious fantasy and chalking it up to having a good ‘fuck’. Let me break it to you, there’s nothing good about this kind of intimacy. The reason I can openly say ‘under-educated’ is simple, and this might come as a shock to some, but the fact is life is not a porno.
Here’s a quick history lesson…
Pornography was originally created, many moons ago, to be an educational tool for husbands and wives to have better sex lives, but quickly shifted into the world of entertainment. Professional studio-created porn was, and still is, acting. A tap can appear like a slap and what looks like a bite is actually a brush of the teeth, all in hopes to heighten the visual allure. And yes, many individuals find the thought of shedding the stink of their own dull, boring, or routine sex lives very appealing. There is a multi-billion-dollar industry that is banking on the fact that you and your partner are ready to take it up a notch in the bedroom.
There are plenty of toys, gadgets, videos and clothing that can help bolster a couple going through a dry spell. Judge-free, if that is for you and your mate. My only advice, understand how it works. Just because you see a pilot fly a plane, doesn’t mean you instantly know how to do it. Be sure to do your research on safety, including proper hygiene. And please, only proceed when you know that you and your partner are both on the same page.
Crossing the line…
There is a very thin line detecting pleasure between pain when it comes to the receptors in the brain. Even though, there is an incredible difference from the mind wanting to do that again, or saying, WARNING: Never Again!
Look, if you are making someone bleed or say ‘ouch’ during one of the most intimate and vulnerable moments of your lives, you are doing something really wrong!
Ladies, I need you to hear this loud and clear: if you are allowing your partner to cause more pain than pleasure or they are provoking any kind of damage to your cervix, all in the name of a ‘good-time’, you, too, are doing it wrong!
Over this past week, several newly-released comedies have referred to rough sex and strangulation as the new normal. This action should not be perceived as the standard in exploring one another. I’m not criticizing lovers that prefer some titillating practices. I’m only suggesting you and your partner cultivate a sexual experience you can both enjoy. Sex is about trust, and like as with anything else in life, trust builds over time.
There’s a sad truth in which society wants to take love out of the bedroom and replace it with carnal desires. Not everyone agrees with this trend. However, if you do agree – fantastic! If that’s your kind of thing. But don’t remove compassion and call it passion. I think being adventurous in between the sheets is absolutely healthy, especially when you and your partner have taken all the proper precautions. Including, and I can’t stress this enough, you must both be ready and willing!
Rule of thumb: if you wouldn’t want it done to you, then you probably shouldn’t be doing it to your partner unless they request it, and vice versa.
All that being said…
Sexual injuries caused by a consensual sex partner are climbing at an appalling and unpredictable rate. In these such cases, women are on the verge of appearing assaulted. There is no demographical or stereotypical pattern. These are upstanding, strong, educated women. These inflicted injuries have affected a range of individuals who have just met their partner to lovers, who have been ‘experimenting’ within a committed, long-term relationship. The age ranges fluctuate, too. But the one thing that all these cases have in common is the injured party, who is left feeling confused, ashamed and violated. This kind of practice bares some questions.
Is this sexual assault? No. Okay, well then is this consensual? Not exactly. Don’t get hysterical by my choice of words. There is a HUGE difference between someone being forced to do something beyond their will and someone that voluntarily took part in an intimate experience. None-the-less, most of these injured women experienced many moments of pleasure coupled with veins of sheer terror. Hence why, the aftermath takes such a physical and emotional toll. This area is the only shade of this Grey we should be focusing on and fix it before it ruins lives and reputations. No one is saying the individuals in these cases are ready to march in the #metoo movement. But no one, and I mean no one, should be physically hurt or humiliated while partaking in close human contact.
As women stand up for one another, on so many other important ‘body’ matters nowadays, it is also time to stand up for intimacy. For women, …and men. And above all, for the younger generations and the ‘human’ in all of us. Let’s not be fooled here. Passing off pinned up sexual aggression or re-enacting what you might have seen on the flat screen as the proper way to engage in a sexual experience, while your partner isn’t enjoying themselves, is simply yucky!
If you are the dominate…
Please speak openly with your partner on your desires. Respect their boundaries. Have a safe word. And most of all, remember, no means no. Real life isn’t a movie and you are not Christian Grey, okay.
If you are the submissive…
Boldly voice your concerns. Bad choices can bring on regret, but regret doesn’t equal victim. So, don’t be shy to speak up if you aren’t enjoying yourself. If something hurts, tell your partner. And if things are getting out of control, try to smartly defuse the situation without causing confrontation, and do your best to get out of there. Don’t be a victim.
According to my source, another thing that should be brought to light is the alarming misuse of medications among the younger generations. Cocktails mixed with erection-stimulating meds and/or steroid use in order to lengthen the sexual experience is causing destressing, unwarranted aggression within the bedroom. Using medications without doctor’s supervision can cause serious mental issues like ‘roid-rage’ and/or physical, irrevocable damages to yourself and your partner. There’s a strong possibility these concoctions are impairing the user judgment and sensation, causing them to thrust or pounce with more aggression. And because they’re numb, they are unaware of their vigor and the potential pain they are inflicting. This combination only has the opportunity of ending in devastating damage to both parties. Seriously, it’s not worth the risk. It’s safer, smarter, and honestly, more enjoyable to live out your fantasies one round at a time, no matter how quick it is.
Genuine love and desire for your partner does, truthfully, enhance the fantasy world. However, we all know hook-ups happen. Safety is the first thing to practice in every sexual situation, starting with protection. Condoms and dental dams really do reduce the chances of spreading nasty things. So, whether you’re a man or a woman, if some sly one tells you, ‘It doesn’t feel as good with protection’. Your only response should be, ‘But it feels so much better than no sex, right?’.
Let’s clear up any misunderstandings…
This isn’t men vs. women’s primal desires. This is about achieving desires and not disasters. This isn’t a sexuality issue. This is a sex issue. This isn’t a generational problem. This is a lack-of-information problem. Sex shouldn’t leave someone physically damaged.
Disregard all you think you know about the red-room of pain, and have an honest and colorful conversation about your sexual wants and needs. Don’t let any form of entertainment give you a false assessment of what real intercourse should be. We need to address this issue before things get out completely out of hand. With so many sexual accusations flying around out there and people making laws about what people can and can’t do with their bodies, this is one of those situations that can cause a lot of future complications if not discussed and handled maturely between partners.
At the risk of sounding 100 years-old, you need to understand your body is the most precious thing that you can share with another human being. According to recent surveys, monogamy is making a strong comeback in both heterosexual and LGBT circles. Fantasies are finding ways to becoming healthy realties. And protected sex is considered cool. So, let’s take all the trauma and the 50 Shades of ‘scary’ out of intimacy. Sex should be a beautiful thing. And exploration should feel good. Whether you like it or not, humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason. And unlike the necessity it is within the animal kingdom, humans can choose to have sex for pleasure, love and closeness. So, do the rest of the mobile upright a favor, and stop taking yourself and others for granted.
Tia, and TipsfromTia.com is trying to keep you looking good and
feeling good, from the inside out. If you’ve got a problem or a tip email me! Be sure to Like and share on Facebook or Follow on Twitter or Instagram.
Author’s Bio: Tia Cristy is a radio personality/influencer and the owner of TipsfromTia.com where she provides tips on beauty, lifestyle and sexual health. You can find her, Like and Share on Facebook or Follow on Twitter or Instagram @TipsfromTia