Tag Archives: divorcing 101

Should You Stay, Or Should You Go?

By, Tia Cristy

Should You Stay, Or Should You Go?

Sadly, divorce has become a way of life for 50% of the married population today. It’s not something folks set out to do when they first exchange their wedding vows, but time can be cruel to relationships. Nevertheless, on the upside, time also has the power to heal all wounds.

Marriage has lost its shine

Just like anything in this world, if you don’t care for it, it will lose its luster. Take a silver tray for example. At first, it’s beautiful. Perfect. But after use, it can get dull and dirty. You have to clean it and polish it. It takes a bunch of effort to keep it shiny. As time marches on, even with the shine it has noticeable wear. You might not realize it at the time, but that’s part of its charm. However, you see it as aged. It’s no longer perfection. So, you put it in a cupboard. You know it’s still there, but you don’t use it. Next time you see it, it’s completely tarnished. It looks hopeless. Here’s the thing, it’s not ruined. With a little extra elbow grease, you can polish it back to gleaming. The point of this analogy… Some marriages just need a bit of elbow grease.

When’s enough, enough?

When is enough, enough? Some couples have an easy answer for that… never. But ‘never’ isn’t the choice for everyone. So when is it time to leave a marriage? Honestly, I think only couples can figure that out on their own, especially when there are kids and assets to consider. The best advice I can give on contemplating divorce is if you tried everything to make it work and it still doesn’t… Ask yourself this before making that huge decision, ‘Did I do everything I could to try and make this marriage work?’ and then answer this, ‘If I choose to walk away from this marriage, can I leave without regretting my choice?’ Some situations are much trickier when it comes to domestic violence. If that is the case, remember, there are people out there that can help.

When it’s over

Just like a death, divorce has its own period of mourning. This is common. It’s true, there are many scary roads ahead. But if the high divorce rate has taught us anything, it taught us, this too shall pass. And yes, time certainly does have a way of healing. People of divorce find they have a quicker healing process when they leave behind bitterness. It may be hard to forget the bad times, but it’s best to forgive, if only for the sole purpose of healing. Here’s a coping with divorce guide that will help you each step along the way to starting over.

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3 Ways To Handle Divorce In The Right Way

3 Ways To Handle Divorce In The Right Way

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No one ever expects a divorce to happen, but the reality of life is that they often do occur. They can be very hard or easy affairs depending upon your situation but they are often difficult so don’t have your hopes up for an easy ride with it. People usually get on the bad side of divorce, and whilst there isn’t a good one, there are some things you can do to make it as painless as possible.

Give Yourself Time To Decompress

This is a very important part of a divorce, and so too it is for any other big, arguably traumatic event. Decompression is the time it takes for you to fully realize everything that is going on, to explore your feelings and know where you stand with everyone who is involved, as well as yourself. It’s very important that you allow yourself time to do this because it lets you get out, and then figure out, all of the negative emotions that will be hiding away. If it’s a particularly troubled divorce then you may find yourself wanting a divorce therapist that can you can visit and talk to in order to make you feel okay again.

Make Sure You’re Legally Covered

If you have anything that is in both you and your partner’s names you need to be legally covered. When a divorce occurs, the right for who get’s what is the game that is played, so you need to have a good legal plan for when the court cases come around. This can be for children if you have them and for all of the items that belong to you both, which makes getting a divorce quite a difficult process. You could get items or child custody wrongly taken off you, so to avoid this you have to be legally covered.

Ensure Everyone Knows What Is Going On

It can be easy to shut yourself away and not tell anyone you know about what is going on, but the truth is that a problem shared is a problem halved so it’s good to tell people what is going on. Not only will it make it easier for you, people need to know what is going on in your life in order to keep up with you and help you if needs be. Any children you have will need to know too as it will affect them the most. Be realistic with them but also not harsh as to not upset them too much. You cannot avoid your kids being upset when this happens, but if they are well informed and looked after properly then the blow dealt will be much less painful.

It is advisable that you do all of these things if you are going through a divorce. They are difficult times and are never, ever easy so expect the worse with them and you’ll be surprised when it doesn’t come to it! Deciding whether or not you need a divorce can be a difficult thing as it’s a very intricate and intimate situation, so read this if you think you’re coming to a crossroads within your relationship.

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2 Great Ways To Restore Communication In A Marriage

2 Great Ways To Restore Communication In A Marriage

One of the biggest causes of separation in today’s world is a total lack of communication. We are all so busy working, raising families and being absorbed in smart phones that we forget to communicate how we feel in the old-fashioned way: talking. When a marriage begins to disintegrate, it can go from feeling bad to feeling worse very quickly, and the main cause for this is the fact that people don’t communicate how they are feeling to each other.

Marriages break down for a number of reasons. Sometimes it’s due to something as simple as boredom and sometimes it’s due to outside factors beyond your control. The thing is, not everyone wants to turn to divorce and it’s often the last resort. If you have children, it may be tempting to hang onto a miserable situation for the sake of the image of a family unit, but that’s not healthy. It’s vital that you and your spouse do what you can to be happy and if that eventually means in being happier apart, then it’s better for everyone all round. Choosing to go down the route of divorce can feel very final, but there are things that you can do before calling Arnold, Wadsworth & Coggins to file papers. Your marriage meant something to you both once, and you owe it to yourselves to try and untangle the web of sadness that has been created before you call the curtain. So, how can you restore your communication before it’s too late?

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Counselling. When you are in a situation where you are fighting with the person you love, it can become frustrating. Neither of you want to back down and admit defeat, and so nothing is ever resolved, which breeds a lot of resentment. Making a mutual decision to seek professional help to try and piece things together in a neutral place can help. No one likes to see the other person’s point of view when they are certain they are right, but you have to make the effort to open your mind so that you can try and reach a level of understanding that makes sense for you.

Reconnect. Do you remember the early days of your relationship, where you would meet for a simple coffee or dinner and discuss anything and everything in the world? Getting back to basics and reconnecting can help when the communication has been frayed for so long. Make a vow that you don’t argue during these days. Discuss the things you like and your current jobs. Even if you have been together for years, you can still be surprised by the day to day things you can learn about each other, especially when you’ve lost the communication between you.

The final step is true acceptance. If you have both given the marriage significant effort on both sides, have tried to bring things back to basics and haven’t managed to come back together, then divorce is the last resort. It makes sense to try as hard as you can to bring the marriage to its previous best, but sometimes if that cannot happen then separating for good is the best thing all round.

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Damage Limitation Legal Advice For Men Going Through Separation

Damage Limitation Legal Advice For Men Going Through Separation

Some relationships don’t work out, but that’s just human nature because our lives are complicated and personalities change over time. Men are starting to realise that they don’t need to accept some kind of social pressure that has previously made them feel as if they’re the guilty party, by default. Upon their partner’s separation request being legally filed, men have taken more of an active role, to know what their rights are and what the best practical tips are for coping with this challenging circumstance. In the courts, you need to commit to an actual dialogue with your soon to be ex-partner and with her lawyer, to get a rounded understanding of the specific demands put forth. No matter how many separation cases a court has gone through, every single case is treated individually, so there’s no end-all-be-all advice on how to handle a particular situation. However there are some basic steps, men can take to better prepare themselves for putting their case to the legal authorities.  

 

Photo credit – Pixabay

 

Should you move out?

Some men find that keeping the peace is better than arguing when the divorce papers have already set the wheels in motion. They want to keep things civil and try to be respectful to their partner for the sake of the good times they previously had, or the fact that they don’t want to alarm the children. If your partner is reasonable and cooperative, that’s a bonus, but sometimes emotions get the better of both parties are hostilities boil over. The stereotypical thing to do is to move out, but men are no more guilty than women, so think twice before booking a room in a cheap motel to pass the time. There are financial advantages and disadvantages if you’re the higher income earner, by staying in the house, that you should discuss with a lawyer.

Get the proper legal team

Don’t settle for a legal team that’s cheap because they’re likely to be inexperienced. Family law help is crucial for men in this day and age because it’s more likely that your former partner will get custody of children; statistically speaking. A good attorney will inform you of the legal obligations most men are given such as child support, spousal support such as alimony, parenting plans and protective orders. They will help you gain a better perspective of the culture in which the law is interpreted so that you can protect your financial and mental health in the best possible way.

Image source – Cordell and Cordell

 

Consider settling

Separating can get ugly, and the fact that going to court can be green-lit, the tone can amplify in seriousness and stakes become higher. Some cases might go on for years, but your ex-partner and her lawyer can sometimes be willing to avoid a long lengthy battle and hold an agreement outside of the courts. If you can, settle outside of court as this will drastically cut legal fees, and you may get a better deal from her lawyer than you might from a judge. Workout a legally binding stature and think of a long-term agreement that you’re comfortable with, then start negotiating. Think of the things that matter most, such as the children, property and savings accounts.

 

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The Unexpected Shock of Divorce: How to Cope

The Unexpected Shock of Divorce: How to Cope

Divorce is one of the most stressful things you can experience in life. But the fact remains that that divorce rates continue to rise, as they have been doing for quite some time now. It’s not the kind of thing that you can prepare for, and it can arrive in a variety of ways and for a variety of reasons. But finding ways that help you cope with the whole process is really important. There are negative ways and positive ways to go through a divorce.

No One Expects Divorce, But it Happens

Most people get married and expect to live happily ever after. This is what’s in their mind, but how the reality plays out is rarely the same. I don’t want to be unromantic here because many marriages do work out happily and the two people stay together for the rest of their lives. But for many people, it falls apart much sooner than that. And they didn’t expect that, just as you probably didn’t expect to be getting divorced.

It’s important to realise that these things happen, though. Sometimes, people just drift apart, and they just become incompatible, even if they used to be compatible. There is often little sense in persevering with a marriage that’s dead because it probably won’t come back to life anytime soon. It’s not necessarily even anyone’s fault; it just happens.

Remain Practical, Even When Emotions Run High

Emotions do often get the better of people when they’re going through divorce proceedings. There is often a desire to get the better deal and take revenge on the other person. This might seem rational at the time, but in reality is mostly childish stupidity. And divorces are much easier to cope with when both people act like reasonable adults and work to make things as pleasant and easy as possible.

This means you probably shouldn’t try to go through the process without hiring a lawyer. Many people think that this will actually help they to avoid conflict. In fact, the opposite is true. Most of the time, divorce lawyers can balance out personal conflicts and keep things strictly factual and logical. They are not weighed down by the emotions you two both feel.

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Move on and Experience New Things as Quickly as You Can

If you want to cope well with divorce, once the proceedings are over with and you no longer want to be associated with your former partner, you should just move on. If you spend too long dwelling on what happened and what went wrong, it will just weigh you down and make your life a misery. No one wants to go through that.

You should try to change your life and do the things that you have never done before. This can provide you with a sense of freedom that you never had before. You can meet new people, try new things and spend money on stuff your ex would never have wanted you to spend money on. This period of moving on and breaking free is one of the most important.

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I Want To Break Up: Five Soul Destroying Words 

I Want To Break Up: Five Soul Destroying Words

The person that you love the most in this world has just uttered five of the most soul-destroying words that you will ever here: ‘I want to break up’. Maybe you knew this was coming; perhaps things haven’t been right for a while now? Or maybe you have had no idea that your partner was unhappy and are in complete and utter shock? Either way, hearing those five little words is never easy, especially when you have put your heart and soul into your relationship, only to have it crumble around you.

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Knowing what to do when the love of your life tells you that it’s over is difficult. Whether you were expecting it or not, it doesn’t make dealing with a breakup any easier. A lot of women struggle to know what to do and what steps to take when their partner wants to break up. Although it’s going to be hard no matter what you do, you need to get to grips with what is happening and start putting yourself and your children (if you have any) first.

To get through your breakup and get your life back on track, here’s what you need to do:

Talk to your ex-partner

The first step in any break up is talking to your ex-partner. Whether that is face to face or over the phone, it doesn’t matter. What you need to do is talk things through, this will allow you both to get some closure and will help to make organizing your separate lives easier. If you have children or pets that you share custody of, this is even more important. Try to discuss the important things like who will live where, when will the children see each parent, and things like that. If you can settle these things amicably, it will make the divorce process easier for everyone.

Find a lawyer

Regardless of whether you want to make your divorce an amicable one, it’s a good idea to have a lawyer on hand. As that way, you have someone to explain each part of the divorce process to you, and also have someone to discuss any concerns that you have with, such as the custody arrangements for the kids. Your best bet is to hire a divorce specialist to help with your case so that you know you are in the best hands. If money is tight, you may be able to get appointed a free lawyer, depending on your financial circumstances, that is.

Spend time with your nearest and dearest

Marital breakups are hard, which is why spending more time with your nearest and dearest is so important. You might think that you are coping with the break up on your own, but it’s always good to have a support system in place to lean on. Just in case you find yourself struggling a little bit with everything that’s going on.

Breaking up is never easy, especially when you are married to your partner. However, what it’s important to understand is that sometimes it’s for the best. It might be hard at first, but in time you will most probably be happier and more content for it, it just takes time to adjust, that’s all.

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Divorce Isn’t Your Only Option!

Divorce Isn’t Your Only Option!

When your relationship hits a bump in the road, it’s easy to think that there is no moving forward. And you might believe that there is no other option than calling a divorce lawyer. But it might not be the end of the relationship. In fact, there are ways you might be able to work through your issues and come out stronger the other side. Therefore, here are some other options you should consider first before going down the divorce route.

Talk about your problems

A lot of couples close up when they are having troubles in their relationship. Rather than talking to each other about their concerns, they tend to bottle it up and push each other away. But if you don’t talk to each other, it won’t allow you to move on from your problems. And the emotions you are feeling will build up, and you will grow to hate your partner. Therefore, if you want to work on the relationship, it’s time to open up to one another. Clear the house so that it’s just you and your partner. And then sit down next to each other and allow each other to talk about how you feel. Once you have everything out in the open, you can hopefully concentrate on the present and move on with the relationship.

Have a trial separation

Rather than rushing to a divorce lawyer, the first thing you and your partner should do is have a trial separation. After all, a lot of couples find that a separation does them both the world of good. In fact, it can show them both how much they love the other person. And as well as this, a separation of at least 12 months is often needed before any lawyer like Gillard Family Lawyers can start the divorce proceedings. Therefore, give each other some space to work through your issues. You or your partner might want to leave the family home for a period to ensure you live separate lives. Or you might want to stay under the same roof, but live as if you were both unmarried. Having some time apart can help you to see clearly what the next step is for your relationship!

Look into relationship counseling

Some problems between you and your partner require some outside help. After all, you might find that you just argue about the issue if you sit down just the two of you. But this is not helping you to address the problem and potentially move on. Therefore, if you want to save the relationship, you should consider attending relationship counseling. It’s a great way to express what you want to say in a safe environment. And the counselor will work with you both to ensure you both get a chance to have your say. For some people, counseling can often help them to move forward with their relationship. Or it can show them that the relationship can not be salvaged and that you should both move on!

And sometimes it’s worth going back to resolve current problems. Reminiscing about how you met and going on your first date can help you start over with your other half. Therefore, don’t be afraid to spend some time in the past to move forward!

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Divorced? Here’s What You Need To Do Now

Divorced? Here’s What You Need To Do Now

Making the decision to get a divorce is never an easy one, particularly if there are children involved. You might have been trying to make it work for months or even years but to no avail. If both you and your partner are severely unhappy in your marriage, a divorce can be the best solution for everyone. But once you’ve come to an agreement, it can be difficult to know what to do next. Even though it’s the right thing to do, it can still be an emotional and overwhelming experience. So if you’ve just decided to get divorced and are unsure what to do now, follow these simple steps.

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Talk about child custody

This is likely to be the most difficult conversation you will ever have. But it’s also the most important. You and your partner need to decide how you intend to continue providing care, time and support for your children. Consider how you can equally spend time with them, particularly over holidays, birthdays and weekends. Be realistic and always focus on your kid’s best interests.

In addition to this, you should also discuss how you want to break the news of your divorce to your children. Talking about this beforehand gives you time to prepare for their reactions. If you find it difficult to come to an agreement, get in touch with Gillespie, Shields, Durrant & Goldfarb or another family law firm.

Check your finances

Running a house will be different now you only have one source of income. You might have to survive on less and stretch your money further each week. The cost of getting a divorce can also be notoriously expensive. So one of the most important things you need to do is check your finances. Visit your bank and talk to your financial advisor about your current situation. They may be able to suggest ways in which you can save more money each month. This is also the perfect opportunity for you to set up a new bank account. If you think you might struggle, you should also start looking for additional employment. Download LinkedIn and other free job search apps to get started.

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Decide where you will live

Another vital discussion you need to have with your partner is where you will both live. One of you might want to stay in the same property whereas the other might want to move out. Or perhaps both of you want to move out and sell your old home. Remember to consider your kids before making a final decision. If you do decide to sell, work out a fair way to divide the money equally. This is an agreement you should have witnessed by an attorney, as your property is likely to be the most expensive asset you have. This will ensure that when it is sold, no foul play will occur.

By following these simple steps, you increase your chances of having a more honest and amicable divorce. This can benefit not only you but your children as well. If you’re still finding it difficult to come to terms with your divorce, talk to a divorce counselor or your doctor.

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Tips for Not Making Mistakes During Divorce. By Guest Blogger, Marie N.

By Guest Blogger, Marie N.

Tips for Not Making Mistakes During Divorce

 

Photo provided by guest blogger, Marie N.
Photo provided by guest blogger, Marie N.

Going through a divorce can be a real emotional roundhouse, especially when there’s no prenup. It’s difficult to think clearly during this period, so you can easily make some wrong decisions. There’s also a lot of anger involved that can translate into words and deeds, which can make your divorce costlier and lengthier. You can also just as easily forget to do something when filing for a divorce that can later make the whole process very frustrating. Here are a couple of tips that will help you avoid mistakes like these during your divorce.

Don’t Fail to Make Your Kids a Priority

Some parents want peace so badly that they start drifting away from their kids once they start going through a divorce. Keeping the peace is a good thing to do but that does not mean you or your ex-spouse should stay away from your kids. You should both respect each other’s time with the kids and never fight around them. They need stability and both parents in their lives. Still, time spent isn’t the only determining factor, but the quality of that time is. Talk to your former spouse and try to come up with an arrangement that is going to suit both of you as well as the kids.

Don’t Overextend Yourself Financially

Your divorce is going to change the way you live completely. That why you’ll have to make some adjustments and try to adapt. One of the things that is going to change quite a lot are your finances. Two households are obviously more difficult to maintain than one, so some changes will have to be made. Because of this, experts recommend going through your finances before you file for divorce, and try to make a plan for the future. These experts are also there to help their clients who want to file for divorce in California with pre-divorce budgeting and planning process.

Don’t Forget What You Owe

When going through a divorce it’s also important to know exactly how much you owe. Promising “to have and to hold” can actually bounce back and bite you. There are some states in the USA where you’ll be responsible for half of your spouse’s debt, even in the case the debt isn’t in your name. Experts in those states advise their clients to get a full credit report so there are no surprises. In other states, you won’t be held responsible for such a debt but you’ll still be liable for any loans or jointly held credit cards. So, depending of the state you live in, you’ll be held responsible for different things.

Don’t Hold onto Properties

Photo provided by guest blogger, Marie N.
Photo provided by guest blogger, Marie N.

Depending on how many properties you and your spouse have, you’ll have to divide them properly once the divorce starts. It’s important to have the whole family in mind and try to come up with a solution that suits everybody the best. If you manage to do so, you can file for an uncontested divorce and make the whole situation easier for everyone. Even in that case you should get all the necessary help. For example if you live in Portland, there are experts who can advise you if you want to file for an uncontested divorce in Oregon. If you end up with a family house, think hard about keeping it because of the maintenance and taxes.

Divorces can be really devastating but if you plan carefully and avoid some common mistakes, you can save yourself a lot of trouble. Once the divorce is through, you can finally focus on moving on with your life.

Tia, and TipsfromTia.com  is trying to keep you looking good and
feeling good, from the inside out. If you’ve got a problem or a tip email me! Be sure to Like and share on Facebook or Follow on Twitter or Instagram.